Visitations

Today at S's house there was a dragonfly, my messenger from Andrew.  As we were preparing to drive down to her creek, it rested by me on the car roof several minutes. Nice to have Andrew share that sweet morning with me! I wonder if he was curious, as neither of us ever went to her house before. 

How do I know if a dragonfly is a signal of his presence or just some random dragonfly? Well first of all we agreed on that signal before he died. And just now I pendulumed and got a 'yes' to it signalling his presence today. I think he is synchronised to my thoughts and/or energy, and will be conscious of anything he needs or wants to take note of. I also think that, because of our agreement, I can assume all dragonflies from now on are signals. After all we picked that because they are seldom seen hereabouts, although they do occur. Since he died, I have seen rather more than I might normally expect. 

He also shows up without benefit of dragonflies. The night before last I had been reflecting sadly on the fact that I can get through the days but the nights are difficult, especially going to bed. When I went to bed after that, I felt peaceful, and got the idea that he had come to be with me. These days I don't even have his pillow on his side any more, but that didn't seem to matter — as why should it when he no longer has a body? But I had the sense that he was there. Then my own hand started spontaneously stroking my hair back from my forehead in just the way he sometimes used to, and I thought that he was using my own body to do that. It felt nice — not premeditated, not controlled, just comforting. 

Then Freya came to lie beside me, and at last, for the first time since he died, she fully relaxed and purred wholeheartedly as she always used to when he was there. I was so pleased! Pleased for her above all, because it has concerned me. 

Of course, one could say all this is just my own mind giving me some comfort, and it could be so. But I have had too many indications of other-dimensional realities, over decades, to even be bothered explaining this away. 

However, though it is some comfort at the time, it doesn't take away the grief and the aloneness. My single friends tell me they get lonely. That's a general kind of loneliness. I don't have that, don't know if I ever will. I like my own company, and am liking it well enough even now. No, I am lonely FOR someone, that one specific person. It is not always in the forefront of my mind, but it is always there. Sometimes it hardly bothers me; sometimes it hurts like hell.

S today expressed the opinion that towards the end of Andrew's life I must have felt more of a physical than emotional bond, because he slept a lot and because he had mild Alzheimer's. I said, 'No, the emotional bond was always the strongest.' And of course it still is.